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Many transgender youth already accepted regardless of provincial guidelines

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The biggest choice a 10-year-old usually has to make is whether to play soccer or hockey, or join gymnastics or swimming. 

But Louise made a decision last summer that set her and her family on a new, lifelong path.

After years of feeling different, the youngster quietly told her mom she thought she was gay. After talking it out, and some research on her part, she determined she was transgender — a girl in a male body. It rattled her parents and two brothers, but also made a lot of sense.

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“We always knew (she) was different. As a young child, she always played with dolls and typical girls’ toys. That’s just how it was. At birthdays and Christmas, if she wanted a Monster High doll, that’s what she got,” said the girl’s mom, Tracy, who requested that their last name not be used.

Self-assured beyond her years, Louise never felt pressure to conform, added her father, Jason, who notes that a common joke in their parent support group is they all hoped their child was gay. “Life would be so much easier for her if she was just gay. You’re not making physiological changes. You just feel for them. It’s almost like their souls are tortured.” 

To ease pressures and accommodate all students, the provincial government released wide-ranging guidelines in January, which, among other things, allow gender-diverse students to choose which school bathrooms they want to use, as well as the names, pronouns, clothing and sports teams that represent their gender identity.

The document is supposed to help Alberta’s 61 school boards revise regulations and hash out new policies by March 31 to protect the rights of LGBTQ students and teachers, support gay-straight alliances and create a safe learning environment. The guidelines aren’t binding, but a special government team will review the policies and help shape ones that fall short.

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Louise’s parents haven’t read the new guidelines because they haven’t felt the need to. Her middle school and classmates readily adapted to her change of name and appearance in September.

“They totally put me at ease,” said Tracy. “I was in tears anticipating the start of school because kids can be cruel.”

“But kids are a lot more informed now, they’re not as concerned about it,” added Jason. “Some have stopped her in the hallway and said ‘Wow, you’re brave.’

“It has been such a positive experience so far. So we haven’t felt the need to go in guns blazing,” said Jason, who acknowledges that might not be the case in other schools. 

He agrees with policies that protect and support kids, but questions the guidelines around new pronouns and limiting gender-specific teams. “Why can’t there be boys’ teams and girls’ teams? If that’s who they are and they want to join, why not?”

It’s only been five months since Louise made her decision, but the change in her personality has been radical.

“She’s a different kid now, much happier, way more confident,” said Tracy, who added that Louise wants to start an anti-bullying club at the school even though she hasn’t been bullied. “We just want her to feel happy and alive.”

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They know it won’t always be easy.

“We haven’t hit the hard stuff yet,” said Jason. “Puberty is not here yet, big disappointments haven’t come yet that might get her asking ‘Why am I like this, why me?’ ”

They’ve joined a parent support group “to talk through the highs and the lows.” And they share experiences with a family member’s friend, Lindsay Peace, whose son, Ace, 15, came out in 2015 at Valley Creek School. He is now in Grade 10 at Crescent Heights.

Elliot, left, Hamish, Lindsay, Ace, and Steve Peace.
Elliot, left, Hamish, Lindsay, Ace, and Steve Peace. Photo by Aryn Toombs /Calgary Herald

“Both schools are super forward-thinking and accommodating. That sets the tone,” said Peace. “There’s not been one kid in Ace’s school who could say they’ve been negatively affected by his being there or the accommodations made.”

In fact, Ace’s circle of friends has grown and he’s a much happier kid. He even joined the wrestling team.

Peace says the provincial guidelines, and resulting policies, won’t change anything for Ace but could make a huge difference to others.

“My hope is the guidelines will ensure other kids will have the same positive experience that Ace and (Louise) have. That they keep all kids safe and successful and happy.

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“I’m hoping in 20 years we’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.”

Unfortunately for some, the guidelines and public awareness comes a decade too late.

Elementary and junior high for James Demers, now 26, was less about education and more about survival. He knew at a young age that he identified as male and it didn’t go over well with his parents or his classmates. 

“I spent most of my elementary and junior high years being locked in change rooms, being physically assaulted in change rooms, harassed, and that was just from being butch appearing. I was gender non-conforming and that’s a problem for kids who are 10, 11, 12, and 13.”

Demers’ high school experience at St. Francis in Calgary was radically different. The students and teachers were very supportive as he captained the woman’s rugby team and took his female partner to graduation.

James Demer, 20, second from left, joined friends Jack Saddleback, 21, Sara Anderson, 24, Tasia Zandboer, 21 and Christine Pinkney, 23, at the Queer Prom 2010 event.
James Demer, 20, second from left, joined friends Jack Saddleback, 21, Sara Anderson, 24, Tasia Zandboer, 21 and Christine Pinkney, 23, at the Queer Prom 2010 event. Photo by Leah Hennel /Calgary Herald

“I wore a tux and a rainbow mohawk — there was nothing subtle about it. I was completely out and it was never an issue, ever. But had I been transitioning at the time, some basic protection and safety in a washroom would have been amazing.”

As an activist in the trans community — Demers is executive director of Fairy Tales Film Festival and teaches awareness sessions to university students and public groups — he has been following the debate over the province’s guidelines. That includes the condemnation by Catholic Bishop Fred Henry, who called them “totalitarian” and based on “narrow-minded anti-Catholic ideology that must be defeated.”

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But Demers said the province is on the right track.

“I feel that the guidelines are right in line. It gives schools an opportunity to meet a student’s request for gender neutral washrooms,” said Demers. “And being able to pick genders on sports teams is really interesting,” given the recent relaxation of Olympic rules allowing transgender athletes.

Demers, who began medically transitioning to male when he was 19, noted that some youth don’t have the emotional capacity to come out as transgender in school but having official policies supporting it is crucial.

“If kids are not comfortable to come out in high school, they won’t. Kids have a pretty good gauge of their safety. Having the guidelines and having the opportunity to take schools up on it for those who need it is great.”

Those protections are needed beyond just in schools. Demers said he experienced the humiliation of being hauled out of public washrooms in malls by security guards questioning his gender. 

“I used to go 12 to 18 hours without using a washroom because it’s so unsafe in public. Kids are in school to learn; they don’t need to deal with this. We’re just providing a safe space for kids.”

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Some schools are already on their way. Forest Lawn High School converted two single staff washrooms into gender-neutral sites and the Calgary Board of Education is incorporating them into the design of all new schools. Bishop Carroll Senior High School has had a gender-neutral washroom for more than a year and its gay-straight alliance — The Spectrum Club — has supported transgendered students wanting to participate in clubs and finding different pronouns for themselves.

“When you start to transition young … the only thing you have sometimes moving forward is names and pronouns and basic social respect,” said Demers. “So names and pronouns are absolutely the easiest thing you can do and it requires no additional infrastructure. It’s one of the most important supportive acts you can do as a family member or teacher.”

James Demers hosts transgender awareness sessions at Mount Royal University and the U of C and helps organize a private swim three times a year.
James Demers hosts transgender awareness sessions at Mount Royal University and the U of C and helps organize a private swim three times a year. Photo by Leah Hennel /Leah Hennel/Postmedia

Support is crucial for youth struggling with gender identity who are also trying to negotiate high school, rife with peer pressure, bullying and raging hormones. Demers helped establish the Miscellaneous Youth Group and Mosaic Youth Group, which run programs and social activities in which kids can feel free to be themselves without public scrutiny.

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Lindsay Peace’s modified tattoo.
Lindsay Peace’s modified tattoo. Photo by Aryn Toombs /Calgary Herald

One of those events is a three-times-a-year trans swim. Participants must pre-register, be checked off a list and go through locked doors just to enjoy what should be a typical youth outing.

“They need all of that for their safety and security. For these people, the only time they’re in a pool is that three-times-a-year event,” said Demers.

“It’s pretty freeing. It’s phenomenal to see people who would be having a hard time day to day dealing with the world letting all that go.”

Ace’s parents have also let go of the past. His mom once sported family tattoos featuring two boys and a girl, but after Ace transitioned, his father, a tattoo artist, altered the girl’s image to that of a boy. 

Ace said that was proof of his parents’ support.

“It meant a lot because it really showed me how much trust she had in me and that she accepted me to put this permanent image on her body.”

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